Where did you get a picture of my penis
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
