and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
