it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
it's like iHOP with fire
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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