he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
