CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
