You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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