I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
