Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
