my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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