i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
