get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
