Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
