i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
