i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
