Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
