my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
