Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
