toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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