i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
