I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
