My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
