I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
