Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
