i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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