Your tits are I can't wait for
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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