u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
