hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
