so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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