have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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