My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
