My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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