I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
cat food counts as protein by the way
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
