i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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