so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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