maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
