Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
