We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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