How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
