What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
