I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
