I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We left an ass print on the piano.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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