Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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