I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
