I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
