3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
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