I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
