I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
