I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
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Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize