I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
