I'm so fucking centered right now
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
