OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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