I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When did we convert life to cartoon?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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