Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
