Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
