I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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