I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
