I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
