maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
