planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
